


Family Togetherness the Baking Way!

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Umbrella Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-17
Updated: 2007-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:24:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1633799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cookies. Nothing could possibly go wrong with cookies, could it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Togetherness the Baking Way!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SteelNeko

 

 

 

 

Vanya couldn't decide what was more upsetting; that Dad (she didn't have to call him Mr. Monocle _inside her head_ , she weakly reassured herself) had told her that "her presence was unnecessary during fight training", or that the only thing she could think of to do was to sit in one of the library window seats, straining for a glimpse of her siblings going through fight training. Both made her feel slightly invisible. Not the sort of invisible where she could sneak around undetected, because then Dad would want her out there training with her siblings and she would be a real part of the team. No, the sort of invisible that meant people either ignored her or talked over her. The sort of invisible that wasn't special in any way. Just like her.

Vanya sighed, got up from the window seat, and walked around the library, trailing her fingers along the spines of books. She idly glanced at the titles under her fingertips; Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, Astrix the Gaul, The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales, The History and Practice of Ancient Astronomy, A Boy's Guide to Impractical Chemistry. She wondered if there was some sort of organizational system to the shelves, if anyone would ever notice if she started mixing up books. She had gone so far as to pull out a book and was deciding what shelf to move it to when the library door opened.

"Vanya? What are you doing, dear?"

Vanya slotted Vampires Will Never Hurt You back into its resting place. "Nothing, Mom. Looking for something to read."

Her mother glided over to her and patted her head. "Well, it doesn't look like you've found anything that catches your interest. Why don't you come with me to the kitchen and help me bake some cookies?"

"Cookies?" Vanya said doubtfully.

"Yes, cookies. It will be fun, and you can share them with your brothers and sister when they're done with their training."

Vanya looked up at her mother in faint suspicion. "You're doing this to try and cheer me up, aren't you?"

"Of course I am, dear. No mother likes to see her children feeling low." With that, Mrs. Hargreeves took Vanya's hand and led her out of the library.

\---

Vanya looked warily around the large and gleaming kitchen while her mother searched through the shelf of cookbooks. None of the children spent much time in there, mostly because the only person that Archimedes the cook tolerated in his domain was Abhijat, their father's bodyguard. Anyone else who went into the kitchen was usually ushered out with glares and shouts in a language that none of the children understood. (Luther told her that he was convinced that the cook was from another planet, and hoped that if he did particularly well during training, maybe one day their father would share the secret with him.) Vanya had never seen Archimedes outside of the kitchen, and thought it was a little weird that he wasn't there. Maybe her mother had asked Abhijat to talk Archimedes into letting her use the kitchen? Vanya couldn't think of any other explanation.

"Here it is!" crowed Vanya's mother. "Just the cookbook I was looking for. A batch of Chocolate Cinnamon Zingers will be tasty, don't you think? Now, where do you suppose Archimedes keeps the mixing bowls? You look in those cupboards over there, dear."

Vanya started rummaging through shelves, moving aside casserole dishes and cheese graters, and discovered a set of metal mixing bowls.

"ABRUTIN! ES VOLVENTIA COMMERTE FALATOOR KEEET-CHIN!"

Vanya, startled, banged her head on the edge of the cupboard door and dropped the bowls. She looked over to see her mother fluttering her hands in dismay at Archimedes.

"Oh, Archimedes! You know I would never do anything to disturb you! It's just I thought it would be fun for Vanya and me to bake some cookies."

"FALATOOR KEEET-CHIN! ABRUTIN KELZEMOR QUINCETEL COOOK-EEES!"

"I know, I know." Vanya's mother looked over at her, then back at Archimedes. "Why don't you and I discuss this in the study? Vanya dear, I'll be right back." Her mother held the kitchen door open, gesturing for Archimedes to exit. With much muttering and rolling of his yellow eyes, he did.

Vanya went over to the counter and looked at the cookbook her mother had selected. Unified Earth Family Heritage Cookbook: A Compendium of Family Fun and Tasty Treats! promised the cover. She started to flip through it. The cookbook had chapters like "A Picnic Frolic: Yummy Sandwiches and Easy Ant Repellant!", and "Halloween Magic: Costumes Made Simple with Styrofoam and Glue!". With, she noted, an entry for Chocolate Cinnamon Zingers in the "Family Togetherness the Baking Way!" chapter.

After fifteen minutes, Vanya was bored with waiting. Deciding that she could just stop if Archimedes came back and shouted some more, she pulled out one of the large metal mixing bowls and started gathering the ingredients for the Chocolate Cinnamon Zingers. Flour, cinnamon, salt, and baking powder were all carefully measured into the bowl. She had just cracked an egg against the edge of the bowl when Allison's voice floated out from the kitchen doorway.

"I heard that Archimedes keeps alien eggs in the fridge."

Vanya looked over her shoulder at her sister. "What?!"

Allison shrugged. "Alien eggs. In the fridge. That's what I've heard."

Vanya stared round-eyed at the egg she was holding. The egg she had just cracked and that was now oozing brilliant green goo. She dropped the egg into the bowl and backed up, running into Allison who had moved in for a closer look. The other egg sitting on the counter started rocking back and forth, cracks appearing across the shell.

The mixing bowl exploded in a cloud of flour and cinnamon as enormous and slimy green pseudopods appeared. The second egg shattered with more pseudopods, impossibly larger than the eggs had been. Both sets of pseudopods developed multiple eyestalks, all of which were focusing on the shrieking Vanya and Allison.

"Why? Why did you do that?!" yelled Vanya.

"I thought it would be funny!" Allison yelled back. "I didn't think we'd get monsters!"

"I hate you! Fix it!"

"I heard a rumor that the alien egg creatures just sorta pass out all of a sudden!"

The giant green slimy pseudopods and eyestalks did not pass out. If anything, they became more aggressive, and started reaching for the two girls.

Vanya and Allison backed up against the far wall of the kitchen, scrabbling through drawers in search of anything they could use as weapons. Thrown spoons, forks, and citrus reamers proved to be useless, absorbed into the gelatinous bodies the pseudopods emerged from.

"Oh my god, you two. What have you done?" Klaus floated just out of the reach of flailing tentacles, while Luther, Diego, and Ben stared in amazement from the doorway.

"It's her fault!" screamed Vanya.

"Help us! Do something!" screamed Allison.

Luther launched himself at one cluster of eyestalks, raining punches on them. A pseudopod grabbed him and tossed him against a wall, his uniform dissolving where it had come in contact with the alien creature. Diego jumped and grabbed two of the pseudopods, but screamed in pain and dropped them.

"Don't touch them! They're, like, coated in acid or something!"

Ben sprouted tentacles of his own, reaching out toward the alien creatures. All of the eyestalks turned and focused on Ben; the alien's gelatinous bodies stretched up, giant fang-filled maws appeared in the centers of them, and let loose a head-rattling ululation.

The other five children clustered together around Vanya, huddled against a wall of cabinets.

"Maybe if we all rush them at once, we can overwhelm them?" suggested Luther.

"Why do your ideas always suck, Luther?" asked Diego.

"Do you have a better one?" snapped Allison.

A low, reverberating thrumming noise came from the kitchen doorway, followed by a blast of eerie purple beams. With a sickening splorching noise, the alien creatures shriveled into large sticky patches on the floor.

Sir Reginald Hargreeves lowered the strange ray-gun device he held and glowered at the children.

"What," he asked in icy tones, "exactly were you children doing? Just what were you playing at?"

"Dad, er, Mr. Monocle, I was making cookies, and Allison said something about Archimedes keeping alien eggs in the fridge, and ..." Vanya's explanation trailed off under the Monocle's withering look.

"Making cookies. Number 7, you can't even be trusted to keep a domestic task from disaster?"

Vanya felt her lower lip start to wobble, and took a deep breath. "But sir, it wasn't my fault!"

"But you weren't able to do anything to help, were you? Your more special siblings had to try to fix your mess, didn't they?" Hargreeves sniffed.

Vanya stared at him, trying not to blink and let loose the tears she could feel gathering. A heartbeat later, her nerve failed and she bolted from the kitchen, past the returning Archimedes and her mother.

"Vanya dear, what's wrong ... oh my ..." Mrs. Hargreeves concerned question trailed off into an incredulous silence as she caught sight of the remains of the creatures.

"GVETT! CERNTOS CALACK CALACK VERTPRANYA!"

"Yes, yes Archimedes. The children will clean everything up right away, just tell them what you want them to do."

Archimedes smiled evilly at the remaining five siblings as Sir Reginald Hargreeves took his wife's arm and led her from the kitchen.

\---

Vanya lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Would she ever be accepted? Would she ever feel like she belonged? She squeezed her teddy bear (forbidden, for Sir Reginald didn't believe in "coddling" the children, but Mrs. Hargreeves had secretly given all of them fuzzy companions) and said, "We should run away and join a circus. We could be clowns and make everyone laugh on purpose. I bet circuses don't have stupid alien eggs in the refrigerators."

A quiet tapping at her door interrupted her. "Vanya!" came an urgent whisper. "Open the door! It's me!"

She padded across the room, and let Ben in. Held in his tentacles were two glasses of milk and a package of _NummyChips! ChocoSnackers!_.

"Are you crazy? It's after curfew!" she whispered.

"I know! I snuck out and got you cookies." From behind his back another tentacle uncurled, clutching a teddy bear that matched Vanya's.

After a few minutes of companionable silence punctuated by chewing noises, Vanya looked at her brother.

"Ben? What's it like, being part of the team?"

Ben did a complicated shrug with some of his tentacles. "I dunno. Dad yells at us just as much as he yells at you."

"Yeah, but you guys DO stuff. He thinks you're ... special. I'm not. He just ignores me, or tells me to go practice my violin."

"He doesn't act like we're special. Don't worry about what happened today, that was Allison's fault. He shouldn't have yelled at you."

Vanya sighed. "But he always does. I can't do anything right."

Ben sipped his milk. "Yes, you can. Besides, it's not like today was the end of the world or anything."

Vanya smiled and grabbed another cookie. "You're right. Not the end of the world."

 

 

 


End file.
